How the election returns might have played out at the Clinton household…

I think we’re all curious as to how Hillary and Bill really feel today. Perhaps, it played out like this last night at their household:

(Scene opens in Clinton living room. Bill sits in a recliner, cigar in mouth, glass of Scotch on table. Bill flips through the channels on a big screen TV, stopping briefly on Cinemax, removing the cigar from his mouth and leaning towards the TV and grabbing his glass of Scotch.)

Bill: Well, alright, alright…that’s what I’m talking about. Tap that ass Mr. Postman!

 (After about 30 seconds, Bill leans back into his chair, returns the glass to the table and puts the cigar back in his mouth. He flips over to MSNBC, just as they are calling Ohio for Obama. Chris Matthews is there talking to Keith Olbermann in the background …’Well Keith, I’ve got the tingling sensation in my leg again’)

 Bill: Hil, come in here babe. You need to see this.

 (Bill takes out his BlackBerry to check a message…’Joe Lieberman gave me your number, said you told him it was ok if I called. Thought I would txt you first to make sure she is not around. Would love to chat more, luv Sarah’  Bill types back a response, ‘Nows not good. The bitch is back.. TTYL. ‘ )

 Hillary: Who are you talking to?

 Bill: What are you talking about baby?

 Hillary: The Blackberry? I saw you typing a message.

 Bill: Oh, that? That’s nothing, sweetie. That was ol Carville just e-mailing me about our fantasy football league. I’m in first heading into this next week.

 Hillary: Whatever. You make me sick you fat piece of ….

 Bill: Baby, sit down

 Hillary: Don’t you “baby” me you stupid piece of shit….

 Bill: Baby, sit down. They just called Ohio for him.

 Hillary: For him who?

 Bill: For.. “that one”?

 Hillary: What? What did you say?

 (Bill points to the TV. Hillary turns red, grabs glass of Scotch off of table and hurls towards the TV. She runs towards the windows ripping the curtains off the wall. She picks up a vase in the corner and hurls it towards Bill. It shatter on the wall behind him. )

 Bill: Chill…Hil!

 Hillary: (as she approaches Bill in the recliner) This is all your libido’s fault. You caused this. You ruined my shot.

 Bill: Baby, watch the leather. Watch the leather. (adjusts in the seat and puts his cigar out in ashtray) This is just a temporary set back. I’ll make some calls tomorrow and we’ll start working towards the future.

 Hillary: Calls? You’ll make some calls? Who in the hell are you going to call? That bald Cajun friend of yours? He’s probably at a Playboy convention. Lanny Davis? A lot of good he did me as my campaign officer.

 Bill: I’ll take care of it. Now you come over here, you know I get all warm inside when you get firey like that…

 Hillary: Get your hands off me. You…you…MAN. You and HIM have ruined my life and destroyed my destiny. <slaps Bill and starts to beat him. She then notices a hanger on the couch, she points to it and asks…> What’s that? Is that a….

 Bill: Look babe, the new guy was the one who went to cleaners today. He doesn’t know any better.

 Hillary: (She begins to unload on Bill again with one hand as she reaches for the hanger with the other hand) Oh, “he doesn’t know any better?” Is that his excuse? You tried to pull that shit with Monica, that shit ain’t going to fly with me. You’re back in Hillary-wood now. (She takes on the personality of Joan Crawford as she issues the following) I told you, no more WIRE HANGERS. (she begins to beat Bill with the wire hanger) You, Obama and all other men are exactly the same and I am sick and tired of it.

 Bill: (reaches for the remote and does the only thing he knows to do, turns the DVD player on) Hey look, the L Word is on… (Amazingly, Hillary immediately drops the hanger and plops on the couch. Bill sneaks out into the kitchen takes out his Blackberry and lights another cigar. He begins to compose a text message. “Sarah, Bitch is gone, was wondering if you wanted to get together for band practice. You on flute, me on se.<Bill hits backspace and begins over> sax. Holla’ back. Bill….and SCENE!)